17.

I've been sitting on a short story I wrote on the spur of the moment before Christmas. I wrote it after seeing a call for submissions with a theme that sparked something in me. It's quite a dark story, and it needs a good rewrite before being 'finished' (in quotes, because is a story every really finished? Aren't there always things to tweak?).

I would love to re-read, edit, rewrite, send it to someone for their opinion and then re-write again. Except- if I do, it'll be the first thing I submit. And that's quite scary. Admittedly, this is for what is essentially a competition (no entry fee though) which at the back of my mind I think I thought made it easier- after all, there can only be one winner, right? If they don't choose mine, then I can rest assured that it wasn't just mine that got a big R for rejection on it. And yet...it's almost too terrifying. I know I need to suck it up, to pull my socks up and get out the red pen, to lift up my chin and really give it a go. I have three weeks until the deadline, and I shouldn't be wasting time.

Maybe writing this post today was the motivation I needed to print off a copy and sit down somewhere quiet with a pen in hand and enjoy tearing it to pieces. Who knows?

The time has really gotten away from me. I only realised it today when I saw another call for submissions- this time for a magazine, non-competition style, paying a decent price. And again, it sparked something in me that I started to write. Something that I've wanted to write for awhile, but didn't know how, or in what way to form the words. And that's great, and exciting, but I really should finish one thing before I start another, right?

That's always been a huge issue for me. I'm absolutely atrocious at doing a task, finishing it, then starting another and so on. I like to have lots of things on the go, to take my attention as it strikes me. Sometimes it works. And sometimes it leaves me floundering aimlessly. But I don't know if I can (or want to) change. I like having three books to read at once, or a handful of stories to write, or several work tasks to be getting on with. I guess I see myself more as a juggler than a writer!

I signed up for an online writing course. It's with FutureLearn, which is one of the MOOC platforms out there. It's run by the Open University in the UK and I suspect it will either be vastly useful and I'll love it, or it'll be dull and hopeless and I'll wish I'd never signed up for it. Right now I'm looking forward to it, and although it's not until April, I'm sure I'll ramble about it ad nauseum here in the future.

16.

I know talking about 'muses' is fairly unfashionable in a lot of writing circles, but sometimes I think it's a useful term. To me it's pretty interchangeable with 'motivation'. As much as I'd like to write every single day, and I do strive for that, in reality there are always 101 other things that take up the time instead, and about 1/10th of those are actual unavoidable things (at the moment: work, sleep, gym, showering, eating, grocery shopping, transport, pets, cleaning, family time, education). The rest of the time is 'Me' time, which is mostly spent on hobbies. And even though I've heard people say that real writers don't count their writing as a hobby, I don't care. Hobbies to me are the things I like to do to fill my time. Maybe for some this means entirely things they do half heartedly, but I've never been that way. If I'm reading, I like to read good books for a long time and really engross myself in them. Sometimes I like to watch half a season of a TV show in a day. Sometimes I will paint until the picture is finished, or sew until the project is done. When I play video games, I always want to get as far as possible. For me writing is the same, and calling it a hobby doesn't make it any less important in my life- it's just that the unavoidable things are the ones which, if I stopped doing for more than a day, life would unravel.

This means that sometimes my writing takes a back burner. Sometimes I honestly would rather watch a TV show or play a game or draw something, than write. And sometimes that's because I don't have motivation (or my muses have deserted me) and every word I write is a struggle.

Maybe it makes me a quitter- if I'm playing a game and get stuck, I have three choices- I can keep trying ad nauseum until I figure it out, I can cheat and look it up online, or I can stop playing, put it in the back of my mind, and come back to it later. And usually all I need is a day or two away from it, and somewhere along the way without realising it, I've solved the puzzle and can keep going.

I feel the same way about my writing. I hate the frustrated feeling of not quite being able to do what I want. At trying and failing over and over. It twists me up inside, makes me panicky and grouchy and even less likely to do what I want/need to do.

So my general plan in these situations is to set it aside. To let my muses wander somewhere that isn't me sitting in front of the keyboard trying to force out words.

Sometimes I only need a quick break. Sometimes it's a couple of days. Lately, it's been a few weeks.

Now over the past few weeks I've written a couple of short stories. I've written a random chapter for a book I didn't even realise wanted to be written. But the project I've been trying to work on just wasn't willing to come out of my brain and onto the page.

So I left it. It's been almost three weeks now. And without realising it, I have a handful of post-its with jotted, half indecipherable notes about this novel. I have characterisations and plots waiting to come out.

So even though I was breaking the 'rules' and not writing every day, my muses were still working away like busy bees, buried beneath the "Did I pay the phone bill this month?" and "How's this research paper shaping up" and "How is dear old Aunty Mavis" and "Crap we're out of budgie food" and "How do I beat this level?" type thoughts that have been swirling around my head in the meantime.

(Of course, now I'm in the 'my cup doth overflow with motivation and muses' situation where I become tempted to cheekily write a bit while at work, and thus have to damp down my enthusiasm, but still, I can't complain!)

15.

Ah, how writing takes a back seat when The Job That Pays The Bills is commanding your attention. For me, it distracted me for my last week of annual leave, and is busy distracting me now.

I sent the first two chapters of a YA contemporary I've been working on to a friend, who is very good at balancing encouragement with telling me what doesn't work or what is missing. It's definitely sparking a bit more enthusiasm in me for continuing with it.

Another YA idea- this time, a futuristic one- is bouncing around my brain. It's the type of idea that gets wedged in there between your ears and pops up in those moments when your mind might otherwise be empty- showering, at the gym, falling asleep, sitting in a boring meeting.

I also wrote the first draft of a dystopian short story. I'm trying to write a short, leave it a month, then re-read and edit. Hopefully by doing that I'll avoid what I call the Folder of Forgotten Stories, where I save things, forget about them, and find them months and months down the line. I need to pull apart that folder in my old laptop, and see what's hiding in there.

In the meantime, I'll just keep daydreaming about writing from my desk at work.

14.

Ah, the best laid plans.

If I'd stuck to my resolutions I would have 5k words right now, shiny and gleaming for the first week of the new year. Alas, I only have 2.5k and a mild feeling of shame.

Truth be told, I've been in a writing-and-reading funk for the past few weeks, and try as I may to grin and bear it, it hasn't been too successful.

Not wanting to read, and not wanting to write hasn't stopped the ideas from forming though. Typically, most of the ideas that are running through my mind, demanding to become fully formed as soon as possible, are ones that require a lot of research on my part. Victorian era customs and dress, location of various Native American tribes in the Wild West, Los Angeles geography and requirements to serve in the US marines for the Iraq war are not things I have first hand experience with, and so copious research is needed. These are all different stories, I hasten to add. Although it would be interesting to see them all incorporated into one!

I'm also making a list of short story ideas, to be worked on throughout the first few months of the year. And I have one I wrote specifically for a Call for Submissions that I need to edit before February.

So things are slowly ticking along. I'm not letting myself get too disheartened for not making my self imposed goal for what was admittedly a very short week.

Let's look ahead to this week, and see if I can achieve what I set out to do.